The death of a spouse is one of the most stressful life events. The grief is deep and it lasts for a long time. While every individual is different in how they grieve, there may be a time when the best the bereaved can do is get out of bed. Tasks that seem quite ordinary feel like obstacles and it’s easy to feel insecure and doubtful. So how can you help?

Bolster their fragile psyche and give compliments. Find anything that you can praise and let them know, “You’re doing great.” The last thing they need is criticism or someone second guessing their decisions. Here are some other things that hamper recovery:

1. Don’t ask “Are you going to be okay?” They won’t be okay for some time.
2. Don’t think it is your job to distract the bereaved from their grief. If they want to grieve or cry, that’s okay; they’ve lost their spouse and they have something to grieve and cry about.
3. Don’t tell them “It’s been two (three or four) months and you don’t want to grieve too long.”
4. Don’t offer to fix them up unless they have asked you to do so or mentioned that they’d like to start dating.
5. Keep your opinions to yourself. Everyone handles things differently; it’s not your job to comment or critique on how the bereaved is handling things.

It happens. You forget to express your condolences or learn very late that someone you cared for had died. Do you let it go or send a belated sympathy note. And if it is belated, how late is too late?

According to many bereaved individuals, it's appropriate to reach out to the bereaved, no matter how long it's been. The bereaved never "get over" missing their loved ones and they appreciate knowing that you are remembering them too. This was the dilemma a friend found herself in.

My friend has two daughters who both became physicians. They were each influenced by their family physician and many years later, my friend wanted to reach out and let him know what a pivotal role he played in her children’s lives. She began by researching his current address and in doing so learned that his 50 year-old daughter had died. She wondered how she could write her intended letter as well as express her sympathy for this tragic loss. Here is the letter we came up with:

Dear Dr. Smith,

I recently learned that your daughter Jane had died and I wanted to express my deepest condolences. We’ve had such a long relationship with you and I remember Jane with fondness. It’s been many years since we’ve been in touch and I’ve thought of you often over the years. Both of my sons have become physicians. It was the caring relationship they had with you as their doctor that initially sparked their interest. You had a profound and positive influence on them and our family and I wanted you to know how grateful we are to have had you in our lives.

Warmest regards,

Melanie Jones

We often wonder how we can possibly make a difference in the life of someone deeply bereaved from the death of a loved one. And yet there is something powerful we can do that costs nothing but our time. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone facing loss is a willingness to listen.

Listening doesn't come easy. It is a skill, just like speaking and writing, and like any skill, you need to practice; the more you practice, the better you become.

We each have the power to give this all important gift – our time and attention. Here are some strategies to help you become a better listener:

1. Choose a private and comfortable place to talk.

2. Disregard your own feelings and thoughts and focus solely on the speaker.

3. Look directly at the speaker.

4. Avoid interruptions and don't talk.

5. Demonstrate warmth in your voice and your facial expressions.

6. Change position if you find your mind wandering or feel you are slipping away.

7. Stay calm and be patient.

Expressing condolences is essential when writing a sympathy note. But once we do, what should follow? What can we write that will be meaningful and comforting to the bereaved?

When someone has lost a loved one, all they have left are memories. One of the kindest things you can do is share your stories. I have heard the bereaved mention that they learned many things about their loved ones through colleagues, friends, former classmates, and others. They read  stories in the notes of sympathy that they’d never heard before and it was all the more bittersweet now that their loved one was gone.

Take the time to do some preparation before your write your condolence notes. Think about your relationship to the deceased and find a shared experience, a conversation, or a deed that demonstrates the positive qualities of the deceased. Even if the bereaved is aware of the story, they will appreciate the opportunity to remember something unique or special about their loved one. And they’ll have an opportunity to think of you and the bereaved in such a thoughtful way.