Folks think they’re being helpful when they suggest to someone mourning a loss, “Call us if we can do anything.” While the sentiment is sincere, when you ask, “Please let me know if there is anything I can do,” it places a burden on someone who is grieving and can barely muster the energy to get out of bed. They won’t call you; they're too drained to take the initiative, they probably don’t know what they need, or, they don’t know what you'd be willing to do. And what if someone does take the initiative to call and ask for your help? Chances are you won’t be available exactly when your assistance is needed. And the last thing someone grieving needs is to ask for help and be turned down.

So, what can you say and do to really help?

1. Offer something you are comfortable doing: “Can I get you anything from the grocery today?” Or, “I’d like to bring dinner. Which day is best?”

2. Make your offer specific: “I have two hours on Thursday. Can I run an errand for you or come over and help you?”

3. If you are not comfortable calling, send a gift you think would be helpful; possibly a gift card to a food outlet they like or a fruit basket.

4. If you want to help but would like to be anonymous, drop off a gift. Neighbors grieving a loss were appreciative of a dozen bagels left on their doorstep. A friend was touched to arrive home and find home-baked banana bread in her mailbox.

These are just a few suggestions based on “How to Say It® When You Don’t Know What to Say: Illness & Death”

It can happen. You pay for a death notice in the newspaper, but some friends and loved ones live out of town. Maybe you couldn’t find the deceased’s address book and old friends weren’t notified of the death. Or, while reeling from the death of your loved one, no one called a second cousin. So what do you do when you realize, months or even a year later, some folks still don’t know your loved one died?

You can do one of two things; you can get in touch with them or, you can wait until they get in touch with you. Should you choose to make a personal notification, you can do so by phone, letter, or e-mail. Make your choice by what’s most comfortable for you.

If you decide to make a phone call, plan ahead as to what you’ll say. You might choose something like:

“Hello Sarah. This is Michelle Thomas. I’m sorry to share such sad news, but my mother died a few months back. I apologize for the belated call but it took some time to find her address book so I’m late in my notifications.” Take a breath and allow them to respond. You can chat for awhile, if that’s what you’d like, or cut the call short. Do whatever is appropriate for you.

Should you choice to write, either by mail or e-mail, compose your message first. You might write something like:

Dear Will,

I wanted to let you know that my mother died a few months ago. It was rather sudden and took us by surprise. It’s taken me awhile to find her address book and I just realized you were not notified of her death. I apologize for that.

My mom was so fond of you and often talked about the warm camaraderie of the teaching staff. I know she enjoyed working with you at the high school and was happy you kept in touch over the years.

My best regards,
Maggie Jones

Do you wonder, “How can I be supportive when I live so far away?” Or, have you concluded it is too difficult to support someone from a distance and think, “I wish I lived closer so I could be supportive.”

There’s much you can do to show support from afar, and you can still make a difference in helping friends and loved ones deal with loss. What you choose to do depends on your willingness to be involved and the needs or desires of your loved one.

Here are some ideas of what’s worked for others:

I never had a pet growing up and didn’t understand the attachment people had to their pets. But that changed a few years ago when my daughter adopted a red dachshund from the animal shelter. The newly named Penny quickly found a place in our family. But within days, we learned that something was wrong with Penny. An x-ray and ultrasound revealed that Penny had a terminal illness. With no pet experience, we came to the heartbreaking conclusion that after loving Penny just one week, we’d have to take her back to the shelter. I was shocked at how deeply painful it was to let her go.

In the days and weeks that followed, I found it hard to explain my sadness; after all, we’d had Penny just one week. Most people didn’t understand my grief but my sister was helpful. She’d always had a dog and she understood how I was feeling. My frequent calls to her helped me through a tough time.

Dachshund Rescue had taken Penny and because of all the care we had given her, they offered my daughter a healthy dog. When an abandoned and pregnant red dachshund came under their care, our daughter was offered the pick of the litter. But not just one, but two dachshund puppies joined our family, one for each daughter.

The pups, Charley and Gracie, have been an integral part of our family for almost four years. I now understand the bond pets have with their owners and I honestly can’t imagine life without them.

When a friend called last week and told me that her beloved dog had died, I shared how sad I was to hear the news. And when she said she was totally lost in the morning and after work, I understood that her routine had totally changed and it was unsettling. And when she told me she was not ready for another dog, I understood that, too; a new pet can’t replace the one you lovingly lost.

Pets are beloved companions and losing a pet is a significant loss. The grief is genuine, deeply felt, and painful. The loss disrupts our life and routine and it’s an unwelcome upheaval. So how can we help? We can express our sadness for the loss. We can listen and we can acknowledge how painful it must be to lose a beloved family member. We can share our memories of the pet. But most of all, we can validate the feelings of loss and the deep sadness that friends and loved ones feel when grieving the death of a beloved pet.