A reader shares: “My brother’s funeral was in another state and my immediate family was unable to attend. I’m coordinating a memorial service for him in our hometown. How can I make it appropriate for all in attendance who have many thoughts and religious beliefs?”

If you are holding a memorial service in a house of worship, you’ll need to check with the pastoral staff for guidance. But if you’re not holding the service in a house of worship, I believe you have a lot of flexibility in how you structure the service.

The service can be formal or informal, participants sitting in rows or a circle. One individual can lead the service or it can be participatory, for example, asking everyone in advance to prepare something to say if they would like to participate.

The point of a memorial service is to remember the deceased and it's often done with stories; funny and endearing, that depict their qualities and life. It's one last time for all of you to share in the life and memory of the deceased, whether as a friend or family member.

You can choose prayers or one prayer to say, either by clergy, yourself, or all together. The importance of the service is to have a fitting memorial for your loved one so everyone can share in the memories and have some closure.

People express concern in finding the right words to write a truly appropriate condolence message. But it's not your mastery with words that's important; what are truly memorable are messages that come from your heart.

It's been ten years since my mother died and I'll light a candle this week to honor her memory. The anniversary of her death sparked thoughts on the condolence messages that I received that truly brought me comfort. I thought I'd share some of the qualities that made these messages special.

1. Memories are all we have left when a loved one dies and it's wonderful to hear someone else's perspective of our loved one. One friend shared: "Your mom was always so fun to speak with. Many from her generation tell the same stories over and over but your mom had so many interests and travels, I loved to visit with her."

2. It can be insightful to hear how others viewed your family member. My cousin shared: "I always thought it must have been so much fun growing up in your family. You always seemed to be such an active and involved bunch. I can only imagine what a great teacher your mom must have been because she had such a keen interest in so many things."

3. A friend made me feel better for feeling so bad. She shared: "It is always difficult to lose your mom, no matter what your age."

4. And someone from my book club who was not an intimate truly touched my heart when she referred to my mom as "Your dear mother."

The holidays are upon us and while many of us revel in the joy family traditions bring, for those grieving a loss, the holidays can hold little joy.

So what should we do for those we care about mourning a loss? Do we send cards? Buy gifts? Try to cheer them up?

For starters, it’s important to understand that grief is very individual and runs its own course. It’s not something anyone can control and the bereaved need to mourn their loss at their own pace and in their own time. Holidays are a particularly difficult time because absences are acutely felt and holidays, with established traditions, demonstrate how much life has changed.

A widower, whose family hosted a holiday meal for friends, continued the tradition the first year after his spouse’s death. But he found it too painful and accepted an invitation the next year, changing the way his family celebrated the holiday. A widow who traditionally hosted the family holidays decided to leave town for the first holiday after her spouse’s death. Instead of taking care of the family with dinner and presents, she went to a spa and let someone take care of her. It gave her the space to recharge and rethink her role in her family and by the second year, she was ready to create new family traditions.

Your support, especially during the holidays, is important. While cards and gifts are thoughtful, your companionship might be the best gift of all. It’s helpful to initiate a discussion and ask the bereaved what traditional activities they’d like to participate in and what they might be comfortable doing. But only ask if you are willing to make changes to accommodate their feelings. They might like to stick with traditions or, they might like to create new ones. You’ll never know unless you ask.

A young woman eight months pregnant gave birth to a stillborn baby. Overcome with grief, she asked her supervisor to share the news with her colleagues by e-mail so she wouldn’t have to individually tell her devastating news. It seemed a simple request, but when she returned to work, she learned her supervisor didn't notify her colleagues and they were each stunned when she painfully shared the news. Not knowing what to say or do, they avoided her and she felt shunned and alone in her grief. After a few months, she quit her job and left the organization.

Afraid to say the wrong thing, many people stay away. But it’s important to understand how our actions, or lack of action, impact the loss that friends, family members, colleagues, and community members are experiencing. 

What should you not do?

• Don’t stay away.

• Don’t avoid returning phone calls from the bereaved.

• Don’t refuse the bereaved when you are asked to help.

• Don’t disregard family wishes for donations and make them instead to your pet cause.

• Don’t avoid communicating difficult news, placing the burden on the bereaved.

• Don’t ask the bereaved to do something for you when they can barely take care of themselves.

• Don’t ask the bereaved for details.

• Don’t ask for a possession of the deceased or ask for something back that you’d given them.

• Don’t pay a visit and expect to be fed or entertained.

• Don’t expect the bereaved to reciprocate your kindness – this is one of those occasions that when they're able, they'll pay it forward.